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No, it totally makes sense. Think about it. I'd been thinking Sirin was the one who I wanted to hurt, right? That was my love. And you were the one who wanted to love. But both of you want to love, and both of you want to be loved.

[ she nods. she's finally starting to get it. ]

So both of you like being choked, too. It's like that.

I...guess? I mean, yes, we both want to love and be loved and it's just that our priorities are different because of what parts of ourself we represent, but the choking's not really the same. I think we both have the same priorities there? Why is this the way you're deciding to understand it anyway...

Because I do better with hands-on examples.

Edited 2023-09-24 04:47 (UTC)

...you know. Because choking requires hands? It's like. You get it, right?

I feel like I could have done better on that one.

Wow...

I thought at least you would like it...

I thought it was charming. You're charming.

You're the charming one.

[ she just... buries her face against kiana's neck. it's a bit embarrassing, after all. ]

You've met Dan Heng and March, right? What do you think about them?

[ hm...

march is easy, so she starts there. ]

March reminds me a lot of myself when I was younger. Before I was Finality, before Sirin was anything more than just an occasional violent impulse. Someone who's so honest and so bad at thinking before she opens her mouth that she comes off as rude half the time...not particularly gentle, but soft for the most part, but capable of some pretty serious stuff when she needs to be. She'd probably have to be halfway forced into attending school like I was, and she'd definitely be the class clown if she did.

She's waaaaaaay cuter than I was, though.

[ and then she takes a deep breath. ]

Dan Heng...it's hard to think about him as...him. Sirin...well, you saw it, right? She misses Bella. A lot. Dan Heng isn't anything like her at all, but...I guess the expectation was there. And obviously he doesn't like that very much, but then he keeps trying to get close to her - even after everything that happened with you - because of our similarities. You know, being treated like someone else that we are but aren't. So he keeps being a reminder of another person that loved Sirin deeply, but who can't ever come back and who Dan Heng definitely can't ever be.

It's...frustrating, I guess. But complicated - I mean, he's also the reason she didn't just kill the three of you outright. Really, it's something you'd probably have to directly ask her about. She can express it better than I can. Other than that...I like him.

[ she nods at the first description. march is... well, march, after all. what else could she be? ]

Don't feel too bad about that. She's pretty much the definition of "cute."

[ it's that second part about dan heng that gives her pause. for a moment, she just... listens. thinks about it. it's rough, considering that sort of loneliness. just as rough as thinking about dan heng's identity being erased. and yet-

and yet when she speaks, there's an odd feeling burning at her throat like bile. an odd, stubborn tone in her voice as she says: ]

Just because of the horns? She can do better than that. [ it's uncharacteristically cruel. she knows that. so why...? ] She doesn't need him for that.

[ maybe kiana can feel the way stelle's grip on her tightens, just a bit. maybe sirin can understand the tone in her voice when she says- ]

Can I stay here tonight?

[ sirin does understand. kiana doesn't, in that way that it's hard to grasp the exact shape of a feeling lodged deep inside oneself. and she starts to open her mouth to question stelle -

- but then she asks if she can stay. it's just one eye that flushes gold, and the level of enthusiasm in the response isn't particularly sirin-like, but it's still clear where it's coming from. ]

Yes!

[ that's a good feeling, at least. she can't see sirin's gold from behind kiana, but even like this she understands on some level who's saying what, so she just says: ]

I'm glad.

[ and then, nuzzling in and speaking quietly into kiana's neck: ]

...I love you too. Both of you.

[ she giggles, soft and giddy. ]

Of course you do, my beloved servant.

[ servant. it sends a little thrill down her spine, makes goosebumps erupt on her shoulders. ]

...I can't serve only you. [ it's a quiet admission. ] But- I want to serve you. I really, really like that idea.

That's fine.

[ it's not and that's why Ritsuka's going to be subject to another murder attempt, but, ]

...Well, it's fine enough. As long as you promise the others won't take you away.

They won't take me, but I might go with them sometimes anyway.

[ she hugs her closer. ]

We've only gone planetside for a week or two at a time, so far. I'll visit if you're ever stuck without me.

...Okay. Thank you.

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